Life Is But A Dream

Magnificent Grand Canyon

2011-12-29T14:33:00.001+08:00

The Grand Canyon was simply breathtaking. Such awe-inspiring scenery every where you looked. I loved the layers and layers of rock exposed, carved by the mighty Colorado River. With snow covering the ground, it was almost magical. Almost unreal. As though it was all a giant backdrop painting.

Hubby had hiked a week in the canyon back in college. I had simply drove by one summer in my freshmen year. This time with the boys in tow, we stayed two nights at the Thunderbird Lodge in the Grand Canyon Village. Where we saw deers up close after dinner one night - Ammar squealed "Look Mummy! Reindeers!" And woke up the next morning to the Grand Canyon right outside our window.

The boys were more excited in the snow on the ground than the Grand Canyon itself. Throwing snowballs. Making miniature snowmen. Stomping & sliding around in the snow.

And Ammar started to develop an obsession with rocks. All the way from Las Vegas to the Hoover Dam to the Grand Canyon, he collected rocks at every stop. And the moment we drove into the Grand Canyon just after dusk, he shouted "banyaknya rocks!" Haha. Budding geologist unleashed.

Great trip. Beautiful scenery. And a newfound appreciation of the wonders of nature. Here's to more National Park adventures..!

Hungry For A Cause

2011-07-28T21:02:00.000+08:00

Reading articles on the famine in Somalia, it's sad to see people commenting on how useless it is to donate to the cause. How they say the country should help themselves. That they should stop having babies, etc. And this, coming from people who probably have never had a single day of true hardship in their lives.

What is wrong with you guys? This people need help. Period. And in our lives full of excess, is it fair for us to just turn a blind eye? Just because we're afraid helping them will only make them forever dependent on aid. Yes, maybe the situation may never improve. Yes, maybe the aid money might fall into the wrong hands. But that is out of our control. Yet what we can do with our money, that is our call. And in the end, that is all we are accountable for.

Really. How can you justify buying that $800 iPad, if you can't even spare $8 for the needy. Think about it.

So put your moral judgement aside & go give help to those in need. Go to wfp.org and make a difference.

Ka-Chow!

2011-07-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

Our very favorite race car turns 2 today!

Special carrot-walnut muffin cupcakes for our little man.
Happy birthday dearest Ammar Yusuf!

Recipe from Nigella Lawson's How to Be A Domestic Goddess.

A Bite of The Big Apple

2011-05-31T21:56:00.005+08:00

Finally. After being on the top of my To-Go List for a long long time, we made it to New York City. It was like a dream come true to get to roam the streets of Manhattan, strolling by the lake in Central Park & catching a glimpse of Lady Liberty. Went window shopping on 5th Avenue. Gazing up the huge billboards at Times Square. Walking amidst the towering skyscrapers in the financial district. Admiring the view of the sprawling metropolis from high up on Top of The Rock. Just like my sister tweeted "macam dalam movies!". Exactly.

Most of all, I loved the experience living like a New Yorker. Even if for just 4 days. Staying in an old walk-up apartment on the Upper West Side (just across the street from Central Park!). Walking blocks & blocks with srtroller and kids in tow. Taking the (at times dingy & dodgy looking) subway rides across the island. Grocery shopping at Duane Reade. Catching Wicked on Broadway. Dealing with grouchy yellow cab drivers. And dropping off the laundry at an old apek's place in true NYC style (nobody seems to do their own laundry in Manhattan!).

Oh and of course, buying hot dogs from those street cart vendors (and then eating them tepi jalan). We were very pleasantly surprised to find many halal food carts all over Manhattan.

Good times indeed. Snippets of memories I hope to never forget.

But despite all the glamour you see on TV, there's that darker side of New York that was evident from Day 1. I could easily see how the city could be hard on people. Those coming with big dreams, with hopes of getting a slice of that big apple. Yet the exorbitant cost of living here makes it a struggle for the lower income, the immigrants striving for a better life here in the States.

See now I understand the bitterness some feel about New York. Visiting as a tourist is one thing. But the harsh reality of building a life there is another.

Angry Birds

2011-03-20T18:00:00.004+08:00

Sunday morning in Austin. Talking a walk in Zilker Park.
As we descended down the steps to the riverbank, Idris spotted two birds on the ground. He waved and called out.." hai angry bird..!"

Angy Birds. Taking over the world. One pig at a time.

Agent Oso

2011-02-28T10:29:00.011+08:00

There are bugs in the house now that the summer heat is starting to creep in.

Idris: Mama... Bug..!! (pointing at the insect on the wall)
Mama: Do you like bugs?
Idris: No.. I like spider..!
Mama: Did you see spiders at the zoo? (we just went the day before)
Idirs: Yes..!!
Mama: Why didn't you tell Mama? Mama wants to see also...
Idris: Mama..(condescendingly) Oso takde kat zoo laa! Oso kat TV jer..!!
Mama: ??!!!

Room With A View

2011-02-15T23:00:00.001+08:00

Tonight we can sleep with the windows open. Such nice weather on a February night. I'm lying down in the boys' room feeling the cool night air. Reminds me of our nights at Bukit. I miss our home. Our very own.

I remember sleeping right by the window. Under the moon and the stars. We'd point out the moon to Ammar & Idris "bulan..!". And they've been fascinated with the moon ever since. I remember too those nightly feedings in the moonlight. And it was while I was pregnant with Idris that I often felt so warm at nights & that's when we started to sleep with the windows open.

It's the windows in our little apartment that holds the memories. Those wistful memories. I remember how at peace I felt on nice sunny days, just lying on the couch watching the clouds in the blue sky. And other times, watching the lightning and thundering rain with Idris in awe.

Funny. Of the many, many things. Memories by that window stick out the most.

Maybe because this was our first home. Where I learned to cook and clean after ourselves. Where I carried my babies. Where they made their first friend. It was that window that gave me nightmares of Idris falling over (we eventually did get grills after I finally managed to convince dear hubby!). That very same window where Idris & Ashraf threw out their little toy cars. Even the really nice Tonka ones I bought! And through the very same windows we'd watch cars coming up the hill at night.

Our apartment wasn't much. And the view was next to nothing. Just some grimey old apartments down the road. Yet I remember a completely different view.

Precious Moments

2011-01-11T08:38:00.003+08:00

Ammar is at the most precious age.
So happy. So adorable.
Toothy grins. Hearty laughs. Sloppy kisses.

And he's picking up words super fast.
Shaking his head "tanak..!"

Always in the kitchen scavenging for food.
With a tummy like Santa..! "Nyummyy..."

And his k-pop hair.

And his singing. Raihan. Mr Sun. Chugginton.
Even lagu car merah.. going "pon pon ponnn..."

So cute. So lovable.

I have to make the most of it now. This precious little guy. He'll be 18 months in a few weeks. Time sure flies.
Before I know it, he'll be in the terrible twos. Nooooo...!!

FYI - Idris has moved on from terrible twos to tantrum-terrifying threes. Will it ever end? On the upside, he has successfully potty-trained, thanks to Lightning Mcqueen briefs!

Sayonara

2010-09-03T14:37:00.003+08:00

It's almost time to say goodbye. I look around at my bare apartment. No more drapes. No more carpets. Just that faithful old couch waiting for the next person to come. A wave of sadness washes over me. I don't wanna leave this place yet. We've grown to love this little space of ours so much. This little haven we created for ourselves.

Has it really only been 3 years? It feels so much longer than that. Still, a part of me wishes we had more time to spend here. We'll be back, I know.. But things will be different then. And as I look at the living room one last time, just standing outside the door, all I can say is " sedihnya.."

I hope it's left in good hands. Please take care of this little piece of heaven. Baiti Jannati.

Salam Aidilfitri

2010-08-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Twenties Girl

2010-01-21T20:35:00.003+08:00

A close friend turned 30 today. I called to wish and ask how it feels.
Funny really. How turning 30 seems such a dread. Turning 20 was exciting. Reeling with the whole world at your feet. Your whole life ahead of you. The journey just beginning.

Yet at 30, merely a decade away. You suddenly feel... old.

I suppose I should enjoy these last months of my twenties. Cross off the things-to-do-before-I-turn-30 list. Or maybe deep down, I shall always remain 25. Forever young. And fabulous.

Live. Love. Dream.

2010-01-13T22:20:00.003+08:00

Three words on my backside.
Three words that could sum up my new year's resolution.
My new outlook towards life. Live. Love. Dream.

And most of all to remember to stay in the present. To enjoy the moment. To relish the now. Laying to rest past lessons learnt. And lifting up hope for future dreams.

Little Man

2009-12-27T19:18:00.003+08:00

Ammar has a mind of his own. 5 months old and you can already see his personality surfacing. He is one smiley baby. Always cheerful, bright and chirpy in the morning. Ever the social butterfly, smiling back whenever you smile at him. Or to strangers who come and agah him. "Ooohh.. he's got dimples.." they squeal in delight. Yup, he definitely did not get that from Baba. Heh.

5 months..And he already knows what he wants. Screams at the top of his lungs when you deny him. Gets fidgety when it's past his bathtime, yet still in PJs. Fusses when his meals are past due. And such an appetite too.. I can't remember Idris ever eating that much. Even now he's such a fussy eater. But Ammar, he could eat up a whole banana in one go. 5 months.. can you believe it?

You should see him watching TV. Eyes glued. As though he's hanging onto every word.

Sometimes I feel like he's in a rush to grow up. Hurrying along to catch up with his abang Idris. How I wish it weren't so. Please Ammar.. Stay my baby for a little while...

Girl Power

2009-12-21T21:56:00.008+08:00

Who would've known that even little two-year olds could pick a fight.

Liyana meets Idris for the first time. She hits Idris on the head. Next chance he gets, Idris knocks her into the door. You should have seen the triumphant smile on his face. Now we're even, you'd think. But guess what. A brilliant idea hits this little girl who quickly realizes that Idris has one weakness. His boo.

Yup, that bantal busuk of his that he lugs around everywhere like his life depends on it. (More like Mama's sanity depends on it.) So she cheekily picks up boo from the basket and runs out to Idris calling at him and waving his boo over her head. Sure enough, Idris turns into a whimpering little boy, pleading for his boo back. "Nak boo... nak boo...."

Wow. I have to admit that was some impressive strategical tactic.
You go girl.

Terrible Twos

2009-11-28T06:36:00.004+08:00

Idris turns two today.The reign of terror begins.

He's grown into such an irrepressible toddler. With his unruly hair. Laughing eyes. And that cheeky smile. With that adorably impish 'I'm gonna get you..!' look when he's up to mischief. The screaming. The tantrums. We're taking it all in stride. For despite all the craziness, just one pleading look "Mamaa...." makes it all worthwhile.

Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children.

Beh Umm Tish

2009-11-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

Idris has started making sentences. Simple words.
We were reading one of his favorite board books.
On the page was a brown grizzly bending over a salmon.

And he said.. "beh umm tish".

Second Time Around

2009-08-14T22:22:00.005+08:00

Ammar Yusuf is 3-weeks old today. Time sure flies. I'm already halfway through pantang. Am gonna miss staying home with the boys. (And being waited on hand and foot. Haha.)

To be honest, baby Ammar was an 'accident'. Well, sort of. Hubby would say otherwise. Heh.

I remember crying in the bathroom when I first found out. Mostly for Idris. Thinking he was far too young to have a little brother. To share the love. But truly, things are laid out for the best. Because Allah knows best. And it could not have turned out any better than this. A perfect, beautiful baby boy.

See, we were supposed to wait till we get to the States before trying for baby no 2. But He had other plans. Turns out, our assignment got deferred till next summer. So, in retrospect, having the baby now was perfect timing. Ammar will be almost a year-old by the time we move to Houston. Like I said, Allah knows what's best for us. And yes, He does work in mysterious ways.

The delivery this time around was less of a drama, I have to admit. I was much tougher and able to handle the contractions better. Of course, it was a much easier and shorter labor this time around. And maybe it was the pethidine shot that helped as well. The pushing was still hard though, despite the fact that it only took two tries and there he was.

I was amazed and relieved at how easy and smooth the whole experience was this time around. Maybe it was all the built-up irrational fear I had, making things seem not as bad as I had preconceived in my mind. I had even requested for an epidural upfront. Fortunately the doctors were out since it was a Friday afternoon. Which was a good thing, as I really didn't need one. In less than 2 hours after they broke my water, baby Ammar Yusuf came into the world. Alhamdulillah.

I remember Yassir reciting the Qur'an. Surah Maryam and Surah Luqman. It was so soothing and helped me stay strong and calm through each contraction. Until of course the last few big ones began. That truly did hurt still. And I remember thinking... "I hate this.. I hate this..". Funny how so soon after labor you think, maybe we can stop here at two. I bet that happens every time. But, like each and every single mother would tell you, the pain disappears, the memories fade.. and before you know it there you are in the labor room, once again.

L'amour

2009-08-08T10:08:00.001+08:00

It's love.

Regency romance. Fairytale endings. Michael Buble.

The littlest things that take me there.

Vanity

2009-08-04T09:22:00.002+08:00

He is such a handsome little guy.
That nose. That mouth. Those big round eyes.
He's one smiley baby. With dimples to boot.

I know.. I know. Mothers can be delusional.
But the fact remains. Ammar Yusuf is a cutie.

Ammar Yusuf

2009-07-24T16:35:00.004+08:00

Idris is officially a big brother.

We welcome with love this little bundle of joy.
Born 3.2kg on a beautiful Friday afternoon.

A new baby is like the beginning of all things ~ wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.

Counting Days

2009-07-13T13:48:00.010+08:00

The stork is coming. Soon.
Yup. We are anxiously waiting for the new arrival.

When the doctor suggested this morning to admit me for labor this Wednesday, it freaked me out. I'm not ready yet. Not emotionally at least. I feel like I owe Idris so much still. Our times together passing by too fast.

I'm glad we managed to take those trips together. Special memories of just you and me (and baby inside mummy). The one that stands out will always be our outing to the Singapore Zoo. I remember how amazed you were by the colorful Macaus going "ark.. arkkk..!!". You looked so cute gazing up at them with utmost wonder. And that look on your face when Oscar the sea lion gave me a peck on the cheek.

And of course who could forget how excited you were splashing around in the kids water park. Laughing your little head off. Looking so adorable in those baby swimming trunks. It was such a happy day. Just you and me.

Soon we'll have another little guy join us. And we'll make more splendid memories to together. Of fun. Laughter. And adventure.

Soon. Another great adventure is about to begin.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T20:27:00.003+08:00

A careful man I want to be;
A little fellow follows me.
I do not dare to go astray
For fear he'll go the self same way.

I cannot once escape his eyes,
Whatever he sees me do, he tries.
Like me he says he's going to be;
The little chap who follows me.

I must remember as I go
Through summers sun' and winter's snow,
I'm building for the years to be;
The little chap who follows me.

Little Explorer

2009-01-11T10:49:00.004+08:00

You took your first steps today. Little baby steps.

I am toddler. Hear me roar.

How Is It That You Grew Up So Fast

2008-10-22T22:17:00.004+08:00

Idris.. Sometimes I feel so guilty for letting time just pass by. Time that I could spend with you. Watching you grow. Watching you smile your toothy grin. Laughing your little head off. Giggles. Snuggles. Time I sometimes take for granted.

It's sad to think that soon, I'll no longer be counting your months with anticipation. You'll soon be one my son. My baby is growing up so fast. A little too fast.

Sometimes I wish that time would stop. For just a little while.

Girl Talk

2008-09-14T08:08:00.004+08:00

In a frantic attempt to recover some old important e-mail at work, I stumbled upon old e-mails between me and my best gals from way back. Those girls I've known since I was twelve.

There was our very first pregnancy. When we thought she was gonna have the first baby in the batch (turned out we were wrong). Back when we called the growing little bump Frodo (LOTR was all the craze at the time).

Then there were the boy issues. Dreamy crushes. Stupid men. Boyfriend-stealing BFFs. And of course my infamous crazy ex-boyfriend. The one who carelessly broke my heart. And made us think "hidupku bagaikan telenovela". Haha.

The girls were there there through it all. Through my unexplainable infatuation with that RHB bank teller (I sanggup wait & withdraw money from buku instead of using the ATM!).

And who could forget Mr. X. Hah.

Those were the days. I miss my girl friends. I miss the e-mails. The long talks. For some reason over the years, we lost that special bond. No longer needing to collectively worry about the uncertainties of the future. Each of us settled down in our own cocoon of love. Perhaps that is why.

So what if your partner is your best friend. You will always need your girlfriends.

Kinabalu~080808

2008-08-09T07:21:00.005+08:00

We came. We saw. We conquered.

As we were driving back down from Ranau to Kundasang, looking back up at the magnificent Mount Kinabalu shrouded by clouds, I almost could not believe that we were just up there among the peaks that very morning. All 10 of us. Catching a glimpse of the sunrise at Lowe's Peak.

It never ceases to amaze me. What our bodies can accomplish when we put our mind to it. Truth is, there were times when it felt like sheer torture. Scrambling up the peak while battling with the altitude. Caught in the mist on the Via Ferrata, hanging on to those icy cold cables with no gloves on. The hunger pangs. The shaking knees.

Yet this morning, with my legs aching all over, when I look back, it was awesome fun. Really. An amazing trip. I remember the breathtaking scenery. Being high up above the clouds. The glorious night sky illmunated by more stars than I have ever seen. Looking back down to a trail of lights from climbers far behind. Hanging on to carabinas and walking tightrope on a cable bridge while peering down on Laban Rata. The cool mountain mist. And the cosy Pendant Hut (where none of us managed to get any sleep! Well, expect for Yassir the Mountain Man). And of course the great laughs and camarederie.

Yes my friends. It was well worth it.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

2008-08-04T10:43:00.008+08:00

A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self-in the mirror of some woman's eyes".

As we are nearing our 2nd wedding anniversary, I can't help but contemplate on how much we've grown. How we have changed and adapted to one another. The graceful acceptance of our differences. Developing our own secret language. Our own private jokes. Making wonderful memories together. The building blocks of our life to come.

And now baby makes three. My precious boys.
My love. My dream. My future.

Wish List

2008-07-28T05:56:00.004+08:00

Baby Idris is 8 months-old today. I almost can not believe it. How fast time flies. Already I am missing those precious newborn days.. (sigh)

You see, all parents are delusional. Thinking their child is the cutest, smartest baby ever born. Super geniuses. It's hilarious sometimes how parents fret over the child's progress, comparing the poor little thing to every other baby out there. Always secretly proud over the fact that their kid crawled first. Or turned over at one month old. And then there are the poor mummies who worry that their little bundle of joy is getting left behind. Just because the boy next door has started to stand while theirs are content to keep crawling on fours for what seems like forever.

Seems ridiculously neurotic right? But trust me, you too will fall prey to this delusion. It is after all, human nature.

Me? All I want is for Idris to be healthy and happy. And smart. And cute. And handsome. And on and on and on.. Haha. But really, most of all I want him to grow up to be a good man.

Baby Talk

2008-07-25T07:13:00.005+08:00

I was up late last night cause baby Idris wouldn't go to sleep. He has gotten into this habit of playing till wee hours of the morning recently. And catching up on sleep when I'm away at work. My mother in-law says I should be flattered. That he saves up every waking hour for me (at the cost of my very much needed beauty sleep!). I love rolling around with him. Cuddling and kissing those chubby little cheeks. And babbling away as though he could understand every word.

He managed his first real words just last week. Mam-ma. And then Ba-ba just a few days later. Which then quickly evolved into Ap-bah, probably a response to our endless questions of "Apa?" each time he starts gurgling his baby jargon.

I told Idris he's special. And so lucky to have Mama and Baba all to himself. No one else will. All his adik(s) will have to share. But not Idris. The little man gets all of Mama and Baba's undivided love and attention. Every single ounce of it.

Oh Bliss!

2008-04-06T15:22:00.001+08:00

Bliss is lying on the bed. Watching the clouds pass by in the clear blue sky. With your baby snuggled up in your arms. And your husband reading to you out loud.

Goodness Gracious

2008-01-26T14:54:00.003+08:00

I was helping my 12-year old sister with her English assignment. Picking out poems for the class. We stumbled across "The Paradoxical Commandments" by Dr. Kent M. Keith.

It was good advice. Perfect for young tweens venturing out into the real world. But at the same time, I wondered if it was sensible to expose such naive innocent minds to such irony. To the truth of the dreary cold world out there. (So much for a glass half-full person that I claim to be. Heh.)

See, I was the product of a sheltered childhood. And I turned out okay. A successful and happy human being. With lots of love in my life. And tons of laughter. And I still believe in sheer good luck.

So, I don't know really. Times have changed. The world has changed. But goodness always prevails. Here's to hoping goodness will make its way to these young hearts.

Chocolat

2007-12-18T14:09:00.001+08:00

I have a confession to make. I have a terrible weakness. For chocolate. I could never say no. It's just impossible. To make matters worse, my parents' place is never out of chocolate. Because my youngest brother and I grew up with such a liking for it. So being the spoilt little brats that we were, mummy and daddy decided to indulge us. With creamy, dreamy ever so tasty chocolates.

Truffles. My favorite. Mmmmmm.. Milk chocolate truffles.

I need to practice some self-discipline, I know. Especially in attempt to shed off those last few (okay, not so few) pregnancy pounds. But then again, I am one serious chocoholic. I could give it up, but hey, I'm not a quitter. See everyone has a price - mine is chocolate.

My Precious

2007-12-14T18:59:00.000+08:00

"There is only one beautiful baby in all the world and every mother has it."

How true. Every so often I find myself staring at baby Idris while he sleeps. Taking in every adorable feature. Eagerly waiting for those glimpses of precious smiles to come. Marveling at his tiny fingers. His little baby feet. Running my hand over his soft baby-fine mop of hair.

Amazing how such a tiny helpless creature can capture your heart. Fill it with utmost love and devotion. And make you thank the Lord a million times over for such a wonderful blessing.

My beautiful baby boy.

Child's Play

2007-12-13T19:45:00.000+08:00

There was a blackout yesterday. It lasted the whole 10 hours. From 8am in the morning to 6pm. We all grew restless at home. Being so used to having technology at our fingertips. Suddenly there was no more surfing, no more watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on DVD, no more flicking through the channels on TV, or in my younger siblings case, no more PS2.

I found it funny how they seemed clueless on what to do. When I was their age, with my cousins around to play with, we would have ventured outside. Playing games, making up adventures, and just getting ourselves dirty.

Kids these days don't know what they're missing. No PS2. No computer games. And they're lost.

Highlights

2007-12-12T20:03:00.006+08:00

They say that no matter how you think you could never forget the precious memories of your first pregnancy, or every single detail of your labor, as time goes by the memories will fade. Not that I relish the thought of reliving those painful hours of labor, but still.. I want to be able to look back one day and reminisce on those special firsts.

I first found out I was pregnant in my hotel room at the Doubletree Guest Suites on Westheimer. In Houston. I was late. We were trying. So I figured why not get a home-pregnancy test and find out. And sure enough, the result was positive. I was beside myself with joy. I actually yeayy-ed and rolled gleefully in bed. I called Yassir right away, who (surprise, surprise) sounded almost normal. Nothing compared to how excited I was. I actually went out to the Galleria Mall that very night and bought the What To Expect When You're Expecting book. A wonderful guide and companion through those nine months and after. Still, I suppose Yassir's reaction was the more appropriate. His first response was Alhamdulillah. Praise to Allah.

I first felt baby Idris kick in the early hours of the morning one day. I was lying in bed. Too lazy to get up and get ready for work. Absentmindedly, I put my hand on my tummy. And suddenly I felt a little kick. I yelped. I was stunned. He was real. Alive and kicking inside me. I couldn't contain my awe and shook Yassir who was sleeping beside me. Woke him up just to tell him. I would later relive the moments again to Mazz and Na. All excited. Heh. I used to feel his little knees moving all the time towards the later stage of my pregnancy. Even now when I look at him and lovingly stroke those little legs and feet, I can't help but remember how those little knees used to feel. They used to be a reassuring sign that baby was okay. (Okay, I can be slightly paranoid. Particularly in those last couple of weeks.)

The imminent birth of baby Idris first hit us at our 38th week check-up. When the doctor nonchalantly announced that I could deliver the baby that very day if I wanted to. But I hadn't felt any pain. Apparently I had already opened up 2cm and all she had to do was break my water and the contractions would start. So she said. I looked at Yassir and was like "Do I have to?". Luckily, doctor said there's no harm in waiting. So we left the clinic and went for breakfast. I could hardly eat. The thought of labor being so impendingly close was unnerving. I told Yassir as much. And he told me to relax. He was excited too he said. (Finally. Heh.)

28th November 2007. The evening before I had gone for a walk in the park. People say walking helps expedite labor. Maybe. That night I felt a little bit of pain now and then. But I had no idea if they were contractions (I do now). And I woke up with a bit of pressure on the perineum. Like something was pushing against it. Of course, my mum said when I told her at breakfast. It's the baby already engaged and ready to go. Still, we left for work like any other day.

I was tremendously busy at work that day. I may have felt more of those slight pains. But I don't quite remember. I was too caught up in work to really notice. I didn't even manage any potty-breaks the whole morning. Got ready to go out for lunch with Echah that day. Stopped at the loo on the way out. And there it was. Blood. I knew it was time. I called Yassir who was meeting his contractors offsite and he rushed back. Then called my mum to break the news. I told her I was scared and almost broke into tears. But I had to be strong. This was it.

He drove me to the clinic. We had lunch and then checked in with the nurse. Right away, I was admitted. They made me change. Listened to the baby's heartbeat. And asked us to wait. It was 2:30 in the afternoon and Yassir and I were starting to get bored. Restless. Had we come too soon, we thought? But then the nurse came to check on me and informed us that I had already opened up to 4cm. The labor had definitely started.

About 3pm-ish, we went into the labor room. An IV drip was administered. And now it was me and Yassir sitting in this cold-looking room. The pain had started to become more regular. More intense. Soon I would have Yassir helping massage my back. Through it all he would remind me to istighfar and pray for an easy labor. When things seemed so tough and I felt like giving up, he would patiently encourage me. Telling me what a good job I was doing. What a strong girl I was. He was there all the way. Massaging my eyebrows in an attempt to calm me down and get me to relax. This at a time when I was furiously shaking my head from side to side in pain. Biting down on a towel to drown out my screams. Man, it truly did hurt. When I think of it, I almost don't want to ever go through something even remotely similar ever again. But as countless mothers have said, much to my disbelief back then, you do forget how painful it really was. Even now, only 2 weeks past, I cannot truly remember.

I remember checking the clock time and again. I had subconsciously decided to be ready to push by 5:30pm. God knows why I decided on that earlier on. Maybe I had decided that 2-3 hours of labor would be enough torture. Miraculously, sure enough the nurse finally decided it was time to call the doctor. (Talk about the power of the subconscious mind. Heh.) I was so relieved. It would soon be over.

Pushing was hard too. Amazingly, by that time I could no longer feel the contractions. I actually had to get the nurse to tell me when I was having one so that I could push. Maybe I was so intent on the pushing. Focusing all effort and concentration on getting baby out. Took a few times. Maybe 5 or 6 pushes, before he finally did. And I could eerily feel his limbs being pulled out. Then there he was. Put on top of my belly. A baby covered in that cheesy coat of vernix. And some meconium. It was over. And all I felt was huge relief. Finally the ordeal was over.

After that I had to put up with the delivery of the placenta and the episiotomy repair. I was feeling impatient. I just wanted it to be done with. I wanted to see the baby. Hold the baby. But that had to wait. When the nurses finally gave the go, Yassir recited the azan and iqamah in his ears. And later on, they would let me nurse him for the very first time. I don't know if he even managed to get any milk right then. But it didn't really matter I guess. Then as I was trying to nurse him, my parents came into the labor room. And my dad said, "Dah ada baby dah dia.." Like I was a little child. I wonder how it must have felt. To see your baby girl now a mother.

Exhausted. Exhilarated. Baby Idris is finally born. I remember he looked huge when he was first born. And he stayed awake the whole hour that we stayed in the labor room afterwards. His eyes roving around. I was amazed to see a much smaller version of him the very next day. And even smaller the days after. Apparently babies shrink. Still, now baby Idris is as cute as ever. So tiny and fragile. How I wish we could freeze time and capture his fragility. Those delicate little features.

So there. Memories of my firstborn. And looking back, I am thankful for a relatively easy and short labor. And for Yassir who stood by my side all the way through. Thank you sayang. I love you so.

Your Song

2007-12-11T14:37:00.002+08:00

I have resorted to listening to the MP3 songs on my cellphone while nursing. Mainly just to pass time. One song I keep playing over and over agin is Elton John's Your Song. He's got such a great voice, Sir Elton John. And I love this particular number. A beautiful, whimsical love song.

It reminds me of that scene in Moulin Rouge, when Christian meets Satine for the very first time. And blows her away with his rendition of the song. You should watch it. Ewan McGregor will melt your heart.

Such an exquisite romantic movie.
I really do dig musicals, huh?

Tall. Dark. And Handsome.

2007-12-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

I think I have developed a crush on Captain Von Trapp. Ahahaha.

I was watching the Sound Of Music today, one of my favorite movies of all time. Stunning scenery, beautiful songs and witty dialogue. Not to mention Julie Andrews' mesmerizing voice.

And the more I watched the regal and handsome Captain, I couldn't help but feel drawn to this complex, sophisticated man with just a sly dose of sarcasm. Is it just me or does it seem like most old school romance stories feature leading men of steely, stern persona?

Just look at Mr Darcy. And then those scores of Judith McNaught heroes my high school girlfriends used to rave about. (I didn't read even one, mind you. Not my kind of story. Though might just be my kinda guy. Heh.)

Still. I now have my very own man of mystery.

Dancing In the Rain

2007-12-06T16:17:00.001+08:00

It's been raining since early morning. Wonderful, wonderful rain. I could spend ages standing by the window. Staring out into the falling rain. If only every day could be like this. Peacefully serene. Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

All I Want Are High Heels

2007-12-05T17:12:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in my confinement room this morning. Relaxing, listening to the soothing rustle of the trees and the fresh morning breeze, when my mum left for work. I heard the sound of her heels tapping on the driveway. Click. Click. Click.

And it brought me back to my childhood years, walking down the hospital corridors, trailing behind my mum. I was always fascinated by the sound of her heels clicking as she walked. To me it was the sound of utmost grown-up sophistication.

So it hit me that that's where I got my fascination with high heels. After months of walking in flats, despite how pretty ballerina flats they maybe, I'm so ready to step back into those glamorous heels.

It's true you know. What they say.
You put high heels on and you change.

Idris Hakimi

2007-12-01T17:52:00.000+08:00

A great adventure is about to begin.

Baby Idris finally arrived into this world on November 28th.
It amazes me still. Daughter. Sister. Wife. And now mother.

Life feels blissfully complete.

It's Time

2007-11-28T12:11:00.000+08:00

Nine months of fervent waiting.
The time has finally arrived.

Suddenly I felt a mixture of emotions.
Excited. Scared. And anxious for it to be over.

Soon. Very soon.

Sister, Sister

2007-09-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

Went hari raya shopping with my sisters today. Fun. Fun. Fun.

There's something special about sisters that I just can't explain.
If you have a sister, you'd already know what I mean.
If you don't, well.. nothing really comes quite close.

Bittersweet

2007-09-04T22:06:00.000+08:00

I'm 90 days shy of the big day. At least that's what the doctor says.
It's a bit scary to think of how fast time flies. I can't believe I'm already into my third trimester. It will be over in a just a few short months.

It leaves me with mixed feelings. Excited about the baby. Yet also a little sad. I'm gonna miss being pregnant. The precious months of carrying a child seem to pass too soon.

Especially your first pregnancy. A voyage of discovery. Learning so much about how your body can change and adapt. It's amazing, really. To think of what the human body goes through.

Thoughts of labor I try to push to the back of my mind. Definitely not something I wanna think about right now. It's inevitable, I know. But I'll take it as it comes.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Boredom

2007-09-02T09:43:00.001+08:00

These past few days have been a monotonous ride. I'm suffering the brunts of boredom. Restlessness. Mood swings. And just plain sheer grumpiness.

My poor sayang. Thank you for your patience.
Let's hope like all things, this too shall pass.

Exasperation

2007-09-02T08:10:00.000+08:00

There are times when I hate being the responsible one. I wish I could just let go and let things fly. That someone would take over. But what if everything falls apart?

I'm a control freak aren't I?

Well when you're the eldest of six, sometimes it just comes naturally.

The thing is, it stresses me out. It's Sunday morning. And I'm already on the verge of pulling my hair out.

Twofold

2007-08-30T18:30:00.000+08:00

There are always two faces of a coin. Always two sides of the story. And you always have to remember to flip the coin over. To listen to the other side.

But being the emotional creatures that we are, it is so easy to forget and overlook. So easy to carelessly write off the feelings of the other person. And it is sad to think that it is the ones we love that we hurt the most.

Time and again, we try. We forget and vow not to repeat the same mistakes. Yet we keep on slipping along the way.

I guess the key is to never stop trying. To keep on learning.
And hoping that we will one day acquire the patience.
The humility. And the grace.

Amen.

Great Expectations

2007-08-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

I’m sitting here in the park. Feeling sorry for myself.

Sadness. Guilt. Yes, guilt most of all.

Maybe I’m selfish. Or maybe I have this preconceived idealistic idea of how life should be. How this whole experience should be. Or maybe I’m simply jealous of other people’s stories.

But in any case, it’s disappointing when things don’t live up to those expectations, no matter how unrealistic they may be.

What’s more disconcerting though is the fact that you never feel that what you want is unrealistic. You never feel that you don’t deserve it. But if it seems too much to ask, isn’t it then?

People say when you expect nothing but the best, you very often get it. They never tell you about the misery whenever you don’t.

Awestruck

2007-08-28T09:23:00.000+08:00

Baby has started to move. So much so in the past few weeks that you can actually see my tummy roll. Like waves. Seeing him move during the ultrasound still fascinates me. Tiny fingers wiggling in space.

I remember my third month check-up. I was simply amazed to see a little baby in there. A tiny human being. When just a month before all you could see was a blob. A blob with what remotely looked like a head.

Yet in just one month, there he was. Amazing.
I will never forget how awestruck I was.

Subhanallah. The wonders of God's creation.

Humpty Dumpty

2007-08-24T21:11:00.000+08:00

The bump is showing like no other.
I look and feel like Humpty Dumpty.

No. Not fragile. Definetely not that. Not me.
I'm not one of those girls who come with the sign
"Handle With Care" plastered on my forehead.

See this Humpty Dumpty would survive that great fall.

Lost Touch

2007-08-23T23:35:00.001+08:00

It's been so long.

I have forgotton just how much I love to write.
Penning down my private thoughts and dreams.
And this past year has passed in a whirlwind.
So much to do. Yet so little time.

I have to learn to slown down. To stop and smell the roses.

Some Like It Black

2006-12-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.

And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

~ William Parrish from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

My husband thinks he looks like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black. Haha. Wait a minute.. Brad Pitt?! Ooooh... Lucky me!! =P

Titanic

2006-12-16T09:05:00.001+08:00

They played Titanic on TV for the past two nights. The whole resurrection of the 'unsinkable ship' on its maiden voyage. Movie magic marvels me at times. Watching it again after so long. But this time around the whole experience was markedly different.

At 17 when I watched it at the movies, I just marvelled in awe at the sheer magnificence of the ship. At the distinct segregation of classes. And the tragedy that befell them all. The love affair between Rose and Jack was merely a sideline.

Yet last night, it was that very romance that tugged at my heart.

The parting look on the lovers' faces. So much love. So much tenderness. The sacrifices. The stupidity. All in the name of love. I finally understood how they must have felt that fateful night. The sheer terror of losing the love of your life.

Funny how your life experiences transform you. This was no longer a young girl reliving the tragedy of that fateful ship. But a young woman in awe of the wonders of true love.

Humility

2006-02-17T10:57:00.000+08:00

I went offshore.. for work, yes. But also to run away from the troubles at work. I was beginning to wonder how it came to all this. Even now, out in the middle of the sea, the prospect of the troubles waiting for me back on land seems daunting.

This is not how it should be. Not for me. I who have always thrived under pressure. Always enjoyed the stressful fast-paced operations. Yet now, this. Makes you wonder what exactly could be the heart of the problem. And being offshore gives you plenty of time to think.

I have discovered that what hurts me most is my injured pride. The thought of people picking your work apart and zooming into all its faults and weaknesses. For someone who takes so much pride in her work, one cannot help but become defensive. Although knowing that all this is for the better. That the best thing to do would be to graciously accept it and learn from it. But humility is a hard lesson to learn. Just as credibility is so difficult to earn. Especially when you're so young and inexperienced.

How true it seems now. How the young are so stubborn and proud...

Wistful Thinking

2006-02-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

"Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.."

It's amazing what one's mind is capable of when left to its own devices. Time and again, it keeps wandering back to that lone subject of your dreams. All else seem to pale in comparison. Nothing so important.. so engaging as fond thoughts of that special one.

Truth & Ideals

2006-02-02T00:35:00.000+08:00

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Sadly such a thing is not true as everyone has their faults. Yet there is wisdom to those words. For all we need is for just one person to think us special. To think us the most wonderful person that graced their world. Irrespective of what the truth may actually be.

For you should idealize the one you love. Forget the flaws. The imperfections. Focus on their strengths and worth. Make them feel as though they are the most amazing person in your eyes. As they should already be. Your special one. Your perfect one. The most precious thing you ever held in your heart.

Funny isn’t it? How just one person’s opinion can matter so much. Can send you soaring to the moon. Or tug at your heart. For even if you are just a simple girl, believing you might mean the world to someone can mean so much…

Reminiscence

2006-01-07T22:34:00.000+08:00

The new year has come again. Bringing new tides and new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I barely noticed. It was merely another day.

The concept of time has changed. All through my learning years, they were marked by each year of school. Each moving up classes a milestone. A measure of a year's accomplishment. Right from the preschool days to my college graduation. Then the real world began.

And as I look back at the years since then, I see my life marked by different eras. Okay, maybe an era seems overly dramatic for a few hundred-some days, but that is how I remember. Each one leaving its mark on the person I have become and hope to be yet.

2002 - Post Graduation: The mild depression era. I was glad to be home. Yet missing those thrilling student days. My friends. My freedom. My carefree ways.

2003: The Era of Broken Dreams. This year confronted me with my naivety towards romance, and the pain of a broken heart.

2004: The Renaissance era. I ventured into unkown territory. Travelled across continents. Sailed across the South China Sea. And did the unexpected, in vain pursuit of Mr Right.

2005: The era of the Fighting Spiders. Enough said.

And 2006...
Here's to the dawn of an era filled with hopes and dreams.
One I wish to last a lifetime.

Through The Looking Glass

2005-12-29T21:59:00.000+08:00

Last working day of the year. I carelessly flipped through the year's planner that I barely used. And stumbled upon a forsaken page of my personal goals and dreams. My very own wishlist. And I remembered what I had forgotten. The things that mattered. That I longed for. And the girl that I was.

It intrigues me how our dreams and aspirations reflect so much of who we are. Where we are in life. And what has brought us there. How we are shaped by the course of events our life took. Above all, how much we have grown.

The Haunting

2005-12-10T09:44:00.000+08:00

Ghosts from the past haunt you till the day you die. If only you could turn back time and do it all over again. If only circumstances had been different. If only I had been different.

How I wish I could just erase the past and start a new page. But you only get one chance in life. You make mistakes. You try to erase them. But even if the mark is gone, the paper is tainted. Smudged. Worn. Never again the same.

Life is Beautiful

2005-12-04T10:08:00.000+08:00

There are moments when it strucks me just how fragile life is. How everything could be taken away from you in an instant. Leaves you feeling so small. Making you realize just how powerless we all really are. Understanding the true meaning of submission..

The fragility of it all makes life so precious. Every moment to be cherished and lived to the fullest. Even more so when life is as beautiful as this. When you begin to realize how truly wonderful it can be..

Forever and Ever

2005-11-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

That tender look. Leaving you all warm and fuzzy inside. For a moment nothing else matters. Just so deliriously happy. So blissful and content.

Isn't it a wonder?

True.. kind words and romantic gestures are grand ways to win over a lady. But it's simply those adoring eyes and dreamy smile that captures her heart..

Rindu

2005-10-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

How is it possible to feel such longing? Wishing for just a simple hello. Who would have thought it would feel this way. Dizzy with so much love, yet yearning and longing for so much more. Life can throw at you such surprises.. hitting you so hard without you even realizing it.

You just wake up one day.. and suddenly, you're in love.

The Deep Dive

2005-09-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

The scariest thing about being in a relationship is the thought of being at the mercy of somebody else. Someone who could make you truly happy or suffer in misery. Suddenly, you alone are no longer responsible for your own happiness.

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take the plunge..

Brown Eyes

2005-08-31T21:48:00.000+08:00

People say the eyes are the windows to the soul.

"Take the time to actually look into someone else's eyes. What they say, what they mean, what they feel, and what they don't say... are all found in two very simple, yet very complex circles."

I believe it is so.

Dari mana datangnya cinta? Dari mata turun ke hati..

Love Is In The Air

2005-08-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

I take a look around. At all my friends. Each and every single one of them. All in the mood. One crashing headlong into a new love, experiencing the wonderful rush of a budding romance. The other depressed in lovers' melancholy. One counting hours to the big day. And one finally discovering how deliriously happy you can be when you finally meet your match.

Making me too, desperately want to fall in love.

Shooting Star

2005-08-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

Wind's Nocturne ~ Lunar Silver Star

Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star

But what if that star is not to come
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope

Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but
There's a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me

Am I to be satisfied without knowing
I wish then for a chance to see
Now all I need, desperately
Is my star to come...

I love this song. For many reasons. One particularly close to heart.
Plus the animation is simply adorable ~ Shii's Song

Trust

2005-08-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

My life seems like a series of repetition. I see the same pattern over and over again. For once, if only I could break free from this endless cycle.

Day by day I become more wary of how fragile trust is. How we love more readily than we trust. Yet we lose that trust more easily than we let go of love.

My own little circle of trust has proved its worth time and again. Yet such a closeknit friendship can complicate matters. Especially those that matter the most. Sometimes having to forsake your own needs and desires.

How I wish being selfish was an option.
But no man is an island, entire of itself.

La Vie En Rose

2005-08-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

It's sweet watching the rosebud bloom. Waiting anxiously for the beautiful rose to appear. Wondering when, it will unfold its petals.

Sometimes the watching, the longing.. is magical enough.

Foolish Games

2005-07-30T09:12:00.000+08:00

We play games with our minds. Our hearts. Tricking ourselves into denial. If only people had the courage to be brutally honest. Then maybe this little thing called love would be easier to comprehend.

That mask some put on. That so-called public face. I hate that. Even more so when the private self is the more gracious. Why do some people just don't get that? Just be yourself. And people will love you for it. Those who don't, well they would never really matter anyway.

I am still waiting for that guy.
God knows when he will emerge from the depths.

Stupid Cupid

2005-07-23T00:06:00.000+08:00

Why do we freak out the moment somebody tries to open up? Why? When if we just paused and tried to listen maybe the clouds will clear up. Instead we babble incomprehensible words. Blurt out joking remarks. Build this shield of defense around us. Too scared to know. Simply unprepared to handle the truth.

I wish it weren't so. But I can not help it.
I am freaking out as we speak.

Stupid Cupid. Stop picking on me.

Matters of the Heart

2005-07-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

The human heart is difficult to fathom.

Even my own heart I do not truly understand.
Funny isn't it? How someone totally invisible to you once suddenly comes into focus. Suddenly doesn't seem so bad.. after all.

Just when you least expect it the most.

Korean Dream

2005-06-30T22:29:00.004+08:00

I loved Korea. Despite the long bus rides and grumbling ajumaa(s).
Picture perfect scenery. Beautiful weather. Exquisite food.
And a true Confucian culture.

But most heartrending was my trip to the DMZ - Demilitarized Zone. The 2km stretch of no-man's land separating North and South Korea across the entire Korean Peninsular. Last remnant of the Cold War.
The stories moved me to tears. One people, one heart. Yet divided by the lust for power. The meddling hands of so-called superpowers trying to save the world. But ruining lives in return.

Annyong-haseyo?

2005-06-24T16:13:00.000+08:00

I am boarding the plane in a few hours. Excited as ever.

To think that just yesterday I was pondering on why I didn't feel like I was going away on vacation. Work. Work. Work.
But not today. Cause today ( as Cliff Richard croons..)

"We're all going on a summer holiday
no more working for a week or two.
Fun and laughter on our summer holiday,
no more worries for me or you,
for a week or two.."

What Lies Ahead

2005-06-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. That means either I have a full-life, leaving no time for me to hit the keyboard, or that I simply don't have a life. Nothing to write about. Na-da. Truth is, some private thoughts are just not meant to be laid out for the rest of the world to see. I've been dreaming a lot lately. Thinking about wonderful things that might lie ahead. Maybe. Just maybe.

Am leaving for Korea in 3 days time.. **sigh**

True Blue

2005-05-12T23:10:00.000+08:00

The world is blue today.
Anthony Federov got voted off American Idol much to my dismay. Too bad. I just think he's adorable. And he sings just my kinda songs. My personal favorite of his was I Surrender by Celine Dion. Come on, you have to applaude him for even attempting a Celine Dion number.

His swan song was If You Don't Know Me By Now from Harold Melvin & The Bue Notes. But the advert cut him off! Can you believe it? Poor, poor Anthony.

Left me feeling blue. So I went out and bought a new top.
Blue. My dad's favorite.

Home

2005-05-09T22:57:00.000+08:00

I finally got the latest Michael Buble CD, It's Time. I don't know what it is with me and Bubles & Grobans. At least Josh Groban had those adorable hobbit-like ringlets. Haha.

Personally I liked his previous album better. But I absolutely love his self-penned Home. Such a heartfelt song. You can almost feel his wistful longing. So much that I've been dreamily listening to it all night. An irritating habit of mine which drives my sister nuts.

I could listen to the same song a million times over. And over. Again.

Underground

2005-05-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

I was chatting with a friend, on how so many people we know seem all set for life. People are getting hitched, making babies and buying their dream homes. It's almost as if we just missed the last train to EverAfterLand. Probably still looking at the huge Tube maps posted on the wall. Still thinking: Which line? Picadilly.. Bakerloo..?

Wait. That's not it. We haven't even found the underground station!
We would fail miserablely at the Amazing Race. Which, by the way, I have stopped watching since the Brothers got eliminated.

Thinking about trains reminded me of a catchy tune I adored.
Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl (Go figure, haha).

"So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again"

C'est La Vie

2005-04-30T10:12:00.000+08:00

Looking back at the twenty-some years of my life, it's been one heck of a ride. My mentor once told me you need to create spikes in your life. These spikes make up the precious memories you'll always remember. The highlights of your life.

Travel. Explore. Feel. Tantalize your senses.

Dreaming about the future sends my head up in the clouds. But the real world rushes by. Not stopping just for me to keep on dreaming a little longer. Reality pulls me back to earth. And the real world is never as perfect as in my dreams.

C'est la vie. That's just how life is.
The joy. The pain. The hope and fear of the unkown.

The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

Not knowing what comes next. That's the thrill of the ride.

Intuition

2005-04-24T19:32:00.000+08:00

The human brain works through pattern recognition. And that constitutes my work on a day to day basis. I am trained to see patterns and trends. Observe. And make conclusions.
A true blue scientist.

I just noticed recently how I have been observing people's behavior. Seeing how the different personalities dynamically come together in a team. One of my friends said that shows I'm of management material. Haha. I think it just shows I'm getting old.
No, wait. Mature.

She says I have good intuition and that I should trust my instincts. Yet for such a trusting person that I am (up to a fault), I always fail to listen to that small voice inside my head. Many times of which it could have saved me from a lot of pain and humiliation.

God knows when I will ever learn.

My Boys

2005-04-21T20:58:00.000+08:00

There are days when I feel blue, thinking about the uncertain future. It's unsettling how scary life can be. Wishing that there were guarantees. Truth is, I just don't want to end up alone.

A colleague said I should consider myself blessed to have so many good friends in my life. The best guy friends a girl could ever ask for. The ones who would stand by you no matter what. Come rushing to your rescue in times of need. And are protectively there for you when some jerk tramples on your pride.

True. But the irony of it all.
A handful of good men, yet none to call my own.

Fallen Angels

2005-04-19T22:28:00.000+08:00

The thing with people is that you never really know what they're really made of. Not really. You think you know this person for years, yet they never cease to surprise you at times. And it's absurd how your opinion of them can change in the blink of an eye.

I wish it weren't so. It's too much work keeping up with all the pretentiousness of being polite. Of course, you spend enough time with someone, the layers start to peel off one by one. Speaking of which, a friend of mine likens himself to an onion. Peel him off bit by bit, he said. Makes me laugh when I remember how shallow this guy actually is. Onion? More like a mata kucing to me.

The point is, you may never really know a person. Ever.

It's sad when you realize that the people you admire are not the perfect creatures you've always envisioned them to be.

Head Over Heels

2005-04-17T11:40:00.000+08:00

I was reading this most recent post by Whodzey. And it's uncanny how alike we are at times. I have to admit that I too am "highly imaginative and a bit perasan". Haha.

Always imagining that this person might just like you a teeny weenie bit more than usual. Yet when some real guy shows some real interest, you almost immediately shut them out. Why, I wonder? Funny how we judge people the most when we know them the least.

A friend of mine was contemplating on his non-existent love life the other night. And almost poetically laid it out on the table. He said you can have tons of girls out there who are head over heels for you, but it's always that one girl you're crazy about that couldn't care less about you. That's the beauty of it he said.

No wonder they say beauty is painful.

Neverland

2005-04-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

I dropped by the Colorado School of Mines MSA website.

Big mistake.

Looking at pictures of smiling faces in those places I knew so well just makes me wanna cry. I can't believe it's been almost three years since I left. I wish I could do it all over again and never ever grow up. Peter Pan really had it going there.. hehe.

Tinkerbell, some fairy dust please!

Golden Girl

2005-04-11T00:59:00.000+08:00

We were driving around in the MPV, listening to one of my dad's many many golden oldies CDs. When a friend nonchalantly said, "No wonder you're such a hopeless romantic. You grew up on these old love songs. Dude, this is old school romance!"

That made me laugh. Wait till she finds out about the hordes of pop yeh-yeh songs I was forced to endure. But it also made me start to think. And it dawned on me.

Don't Cry Joni has been one of my favorite songs since I was 13.
And I was humming to Love Story at 11.

Yup, I'm definitely old school when it comes to music. The one thing I inherited from my dad, which my other siblings did not. Though I secretly think they enjoy it just as much. Only too cool to admit it.

And my personal favorite? None other than the one and only Diana.

Sunday

2005-04-10T12:41:00.000+08:00

Lazing around at its best. Curling up with a good book.
Pride. Anger. Lust. Covetousness. Envy. Gluttony. SLOTH.
The seven deadly sins have never been more enticing.

Heaven

2005-04-05T00:16:00.000+08:00

All under Heaven.
Three words that paralyzed an assassination. So the legend goes.

I finally watched Hero. After one of my guy friends empathetically ranted on and on about how great a movie it was. Naturally I didn't believe him. I mean.. hey, boys and martial arts movies.
Can you blame me?

But after reading the plot at the back of the DVD case, I decided to give it a shot. After all it was set during the Warring States period. And having developed a fascination for Chinese history since my college days, the legendary tales of the kingdom of heaven captivated me.

And the verdict..
The movie was simply stunning. So beautifully crafted with such artistic flair. In the first fight scene between The Nameless and Sky, shots of the rain dripping from the roof mesmerized me.
I knew then this was going to be a great movie.

Brilliant work. Never again will I underestimate this particular fella's taste in films. Kudos to you, man!

April Showers

2005-04-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

I felt depressed. Must be that time of the month.
4 hours and 250 ringgit later.. I was elated, dreamily ecstatic.
Talk about emotional roller-coasters.

Maybe it was the shopping high, but more likely the warm fuzzy feeling I got from Hitch. Such a feel-gooder. Funny and sweet. With loads of charm. And I laughed my heart out.

These movies are the only reason why I keep on going back to my eternal quest for prince charming. Ridiculous, no?

One moment you decide all men are jerks. The next, you're crying and laughing over sappy romantic comedies and hoping to be swept off your feet.

Then it rained. And made my day.

Girl Meets Boy

2005-03-31T23:25:00.000+08:00

"The Way We Were".
The theme for the night. It was a joint dinner and debate between my old girls' association and RMC Old Putras. Okay, I have to admit the term Putra does sound way more distinguished than OLD girl.

Well.. I actually had fun. Despite the ridiculous topic, which I am sure was chosen just so to create a heated girl vs boy argument. The classic gender superiority dispute. You know, the typical "why women talk too much and men don't listen" kinda crap.

But what hit home was how different these older old girls are from our generation. Some things change. I wonder if "charming sophisticated ladies" would still apply to us.

Then there's the way they speak. Theatrical. It seems. And don't even get me started on the jokes. But I blame that on the generation gap.

One thing for sure. The night gave testimony to the all time adage.
Boys will always be boys.

It Begins

2005-03-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

So said Socrates.
If that were the case, I would be the wisest of them all.

I have a new job assignment. An interesting and challenging one at that. And it scares me to death. Even more so after my first meeting with my new mentor. That's when I realized how inadequate my knowledge and experience in the field is.

But that I knew all along. I knew I lacked the necessary skills, which was why I jumped at the opportunity. Aiming through this assignment to sharpen those skills (or lack thereof). Yet a part of me can't help but feel slightly embarassed at the fact that I know so little.

I will spend the rest of the evening contemplating my incompetency.

On the bright side, I moved to a new window office. Got a new work station, a high-end PC. And a personal mentor.

So maybe, just maybe.. This won't turn out to be so bad after all.

Present

2005-03-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

I love this song.
Simply beautiful yet heartbreaking.

So I decided to spread the melancholy..

The Present

Unforgettable

2005-03-24T21:03:00.000+08:00

Sepet brings back memories of my first brush with romance.

I still remember the first boy who touched my heart. A funny, thoughtful chinese boy. A perfect gentleman. And in my mind he still comes across as the sweetest guy I have ever known.

Etching our names at the top of the Eiffel Tower, looking down at the city of Paris flooded with lights. Talking the night away on the pavement of a London street. My first bouquet of roses.

Hollywood Remakes

2005-03-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. Yet I am still here, alive and kicking.

I am finally getting over my korean drama obsession phase.
While My Love Patzzi will always have a special place in my heart, I have come to the realization that soap operas take up too much of my time. Duhh.

So I switched to 2-hour movies instead. Haha.

And after hours of watching several korean movies ( I think I'm starting to pick up the language already) My Sassy Girl definitely comes out on top. It must be one of the best korean movies ever made. Seriously, believe the hype.

Why else would Hollywood consider buying rights for a remake?

It seems that Hollywood is really into asian movie remakes recently.
Juon. Il Mare. Shall We Dance.

Yup, that dance movie featuring J-Lo and Richard Gere is a remake of a Japanese movie I saw for my Japanese History & Culture class back in college. One of the few arts & humanity classes I decided to take to break free from the endless contemplation of rocks in which I spent the better half of my college education.

I wonder if they will ever decide to remake a Malaysian movie one day. Which reminds me I have yet to see Sepet. Seems like a really good date movie. Not that I have a date to go see it with.. darn!

Obsession

2005-02-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

I finally got a new samsung flip phone.

Now I can perfect my drama queen act by snapping the phone shut after every single conversation. Plus that's what they all use in those Korean dramas I have very recently developed an obsession with.

Yes, I confess. I have crossed over to the dreamy, teary-eyed soap opera loving side of humanity. Bordering on obsession.

I think we all need obsessions. I know I do. Maybe having something to occupy the mind completely gives me a false sense of security. A reason to keep on going. Or maybe it just keeps life interesting. Which is why I move from one obsession to the other.

Be it a movie. A good novel. Or Kim Rae-Won (at the moment, haha).

Fortunately in my case it is almost always short-lived. I probably have the attention span of a 5 year-old.

Damsel in Distress

2005-02-21T22:26:00.000+08:00

I am back on land. After spending a few days offshore. Stranded in the middle of the South China Sea with 98 men. Thank god for my female colleague. Though being one of the only ladies on board definitely has its own merits. I was treated like a princess.

Now who ever conjured up that thing called gender equality? Truth to be told, I do not want to be treated as equals with the scruffy lesser kind. Not when I can get my way simply because I'm of the fairer sex.

Ask any girl. We are all guilty of it. The damsel in distress guise.

We put on the most miserable look while struggling to get our bags up the stairs, until the guy passing by just can't help but stop and offer a hand. We flash a bimbo-ish look while trying to squeeze into the next lane.. into getting our way on those jam-packed roads. We get them to give up their seats for us, open the door for us, get our coats for us. Ain't it wonderful being a girl?

It never fails. The DID guise works every single time. Almost. Fluster, mumble incomprehensible words, sulk and paint some misery on that pretty face.. and voila! Maybe deep down all men want to be that gallant knight in shining armor, rushing to our rescue.

Chivalry never goes out of style.

C'est Moi

2005-02-11T12:51:00.000+08:00

The world revolves around me. Or so it seems. At least that's what the great minds behind this quiz have to say about me.

Creative. Me. Dreamy. Me. Dramatic. Definitely me. Expressive. Sure. But individualistic? Now, who would have thought..

Then again, come to think of it.. Is that not how all us humans operate? We are all self-involved. Every single one of us. Okay, maybe not mothers. You know the whole unconditional mother's love mantra. But as for the rest of us mere mortals, every single thing we do, no matter how charitable we think it maybe, is actually in the interest of our very own good. Really. Think about it.

So, yeah.. I guess I am indeed an Individualist.

You Are the Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

All Heart

2005-02-09T09:31:00.000+08:00

Hearts are so easily broken. Yet we patch it up together again, only to fall for it once more. Handing it over for someone to carelessly rip it apart. Yet again.

Sometimes you step back and wonder if it's worth it. All this pain. You break people's hearts. People break your heart. But at the end of the day, that's what makes you who you are. It's the hearts you touch.

Inevitably, here it comes again. Valentine's Day. Just around the corner.

And no, I am not one of those cynical people who view it as just another commercial holiday cooked up by greeting card companies. No. I do believe in romance. In those love at first sight, butterflies in your stomach, heart skipping a beat moments. The whole works. When in love, suddenly all those timeless cliches seem to make sense.

It's true. Love is where cliches meet reality. The fact is, deep down we are all hopeless romantics.

Falling Rain

2005-02-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

I realised today how much I am drawn to water. The serenity of a lake. The melodic rush of a stream stepping over pebbles and stones. The majestic rumble and teasing spraymists of a waterfall. But most of all the sea. Be it the calm fairweather deep or those stormy gigantic waves. Even the rain brings me joy.

Il pleut dans mon coeur. It rains in my heart. Always.

Funny isn't it? How so many people see the rain as a somber, gloomy thing. Or worse, are simply indifferent to it. But I find it most exhilarating. Walking in the rain leaves me enchanted. By the raindrops. The overcast sky. The fresh after-rain smell.

I shared the umbrella with a friend today. And seeing how elated I was simply walking in the rain put a smile on her face. Joy is infectious. Suddenly we were both awed by the falling rain. Just like innocent children, seeing the world through curious eyes.

See. It's the little things in life that count.

The Dream State

2005-01-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

I am forever in the dream state. Living, breathing, seeing with my eyes.. yet flitting through life like a snow white feather carried by the wind. Fate has been kind to me. I am blessed, that much I know. Yet I am still floating by.. dreaming of the day when I find my true love.